Katiethedawn's Blog

April 21, 2010

Solitaire, the game that doesn’t end.

Filed under: Uncategorized — katiethedawn @ 10:00 pm

I should be asleep. I’m tired, and my headache has been crying for sleep since this afternoon. But life just feels too big. I’m reminded of the teacher that deserted me. I’m reminded of my powerlessness. And rather than sleep, or pray, or think logically, I just keep clicking on the solitaire game that is just one of the windows open right now. I have to wake up insanely early. Okay, not INSANELY. Not like 4:00. 5:50. School program in the morning, and Lebenshilfe in the evening.

My Mom spent alot of time playing solitaire. I never realized before how it can just clog your brain so that all you can focus on is seeing what moves are available. Red on black, order and serenity. And I can never seem to get it. I can rarely get those cards to all line up. So, like gambeling, I just want to try and try again until I get it. Until it’s all in order. This one thing in order, the pursuit of that, makes me forget the things I need to do, that I can’t right now. The hurts that go too deep, the friends I miss, the way life just keeps starting up and starting over again. I feel like I’m in the middle of an etch a sketch. boxes being drawn all around me, moving like a pendalum, sweeping around my life making new pictures all the time. Maybe that doesn’t make sense. Maybe I couldn’t go to sleep until I had tried to write something.

April 12, 2010

Morning Redo?

Filed under: traveling missionary — katiethedawn @ 9:52 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

This morning is better left forgotten. I was tired and grumpy and lost. It may be that I’m getting tired of this life. Not owning a pillow, not having an address, a steady bedroom. Tired of dealing with people that own birds (seriously, worse pet ever. Squawking is such an attractive noise) and klinking silverware around early. Tired of my life consisting of the same thing.

What I need is to just feed myself with perspective. Like one of my passions to read about, the underground church in China. How they risk inprisonment and torture for their faith. How so much blood has watered the seeds that flourish now. I need to keep my eyes off of myself and what I want or don’t want cause that doesn’t really make much difference at the moment.

This is my life. The programs have been going well. The Seventh Day Adventist Church was wonderful. I got to hang out with all these kids, making them laugh, and they wanted to play with my hair and braid it. I feel so at home with kids. They may start out shy, but it doesn’t take long before they are at ease and laughing at how wierd I am. We’ve got a school program tomorrow. I always say “we” instead of I, because units are so interconnected. We need each other so much, we work together so much, for everything, that the we mentality is necessary. A person living as an “I” in this ministry isn’t going to get far. Or a person that can’t let go of what life was before. Because the longer you stay, the longer you hold it all in. Addicted to moving, not being able to maintain good contact to friends, letting work sweep time away, out of necessity sometimes.

I feel like I have forgotten so much. It’s been almost 5 years, traveling. Living out of a van, church to host to school. Jealous for the sunny days I couldn’t enjoy. Singing in the parking lot when I could. Dressing up and playing the role of professional. Since I was 19 years old. Now I’m 23 and getting ready to reunite with people from all different times and joys of my life. Hoping for a crazy reunion of friends that I hung out with at different times in my life, all together in one place, for me! I’ve never done anything like this! I’ve never asked anyone to come anywhere for me.

I’m looking forward to seeing the family and friends that I have missed so much, and to being married. It’s hard to concentrate these last few months.

A few months, and marriage. I’m collecting advice. I’m trying to not just be polite and friendly to the strangers I have to meet every few days. I’m trying to be real and loving to my unit. Since the people in your sphere of influence are ALWAYS your biggest mission field.

It’s like with 12 step programs. Admitting you aren’t strong enough. Admitting you need help. That’s the key. Woo-boy, I’m not. I am in need of a Savior, for more than the obvious reasons. A not so obvious one- I don’t really like who I am when I’m all 0n my own strength.

April 9, 2010

End of the day

Filed under: Uncategorized — katiethedawn @ 10:01 pm
Tags: , , , ,

I’m in Germany. I’ve got 71 days before I get married to a Swede in my homestate of Utah. Which is not in the middle of the US as so many people in Europe surmise. But I learned recently that most Europeans consider the US to have California on the left, New York on the right, Texas in the middle, Florida on the bottom right, and every other state to be somewhere in the middle.

I’m working on asking the right questions- or trying to find the right questions to ask, before getting married. Not burying myself in staying entertained. (I recently followed random links to fanfics not long ago- but consistantly finding good stuff is so needle in a haystack) I don’t want to keep my mind drugged from reality. I don’t want to deny my time the worth it has, or my friends time, my family the ear and updates they want.

And yet, here I am. Maybe I’m too unmotivated to open up my diary and write stuff here. Maybe I’m hoping someone will want to read what I have to say be cause I’ll stumble upon interesting and creative genius stuff later on.

I’m a girl who is figuring out life, and the drastic change that will come. I’m a Christian, trying to learn how to rely on the Lord’s strength while mine is drastically lacking. I’m getting ready to perform in German tomorrw, for a Seventh Day Adventist Church.

My happy list today is-1)sunshine, 2)my fiancee’s smile, 3)German flowing miraculously out of my mouth 4)seeing my family in 2 months 5)writing again.

April 7, 2010

The first one.

Filed under: Uncategorized — katiethedawn @ 11:43 am

I’ve been wanting to do a blog, it’s been a niggeling little thought there in my head, wanting to share, to be heard, to have a place to go. I hope this can be a special, cool thing.

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